आत्मावलोकन

वो अर्द्धनंग सा
आधा अधूरा
खोजता अपना सत्य मुझ में

सिखाये ऐसे की
कितनी ही कहानी लपेटूँ
मैं सोचती,
मैं कौन
उसका सत्य या अपना अस्तित्त्व

कहता सदियोँ की पहचान
आया वो याद दिलाने
सिद्धार्थ की भटकन को
एक बुद्ध बनाने

मैं तो अज्ञानी
कहाँ ढूँढूँ उस सुजाता को,
वो कहता सब तुझमें है
झाँक अपने अंदर 
ले देख खड़ा है तेरा केवट
तुझको पार लगाने …

kar ka manka daar de, man ka manka fer...

Mala ferat jug bhaya..mita na mann ka fer..kar ka manka daar de..mann ka manka fer...These words were uttered by Kabir  centuries ago..Since we do not have any evidence of Kabir attending school, it clearly signifies that whatever he said was because of his own personal experiences. Yet, people revere him and follow his teachings and there is a sect too of his followers 'Kabir Panthi'.

Now point is why am I bothering about Kabir's schooling..Yes, I have a strong reason and an important question whether our spiritual journey needs any academic certificate?? I love to explore spirituality on my own since it is one's own individual journey. So I started my own...met lots of guru figures..followed some of them too...can't determine for sure now; if they are really spiritual gurus but so called care-taker or the persons who feel themselves as spreaders of knowledge on behalf of their guru in the entire world..

During this process I met a person who used to  spread, preach good thoughts given by his guru...acceptance..present moment and many more fundas were used by him..No doubt these are superb and outstanding words which will force you to think at least once, especially when a smart bold dynamic person next to you introduces himself from IIT institute  as a strong follower and oozes with confidence in whatever he is  preaching...

Hahaha..yes at least once..don't worry i don't have brains so I thought, a number of times, so they must be right...and my involvement became intense..I also started practicing these fundas because if you want to give others you have to follow it first...I used to go to schools, coaching institutes  telling about my spiritual institution...However, I was not a staunch follower yet..I used to meet other spiritual gurus also. Some of my spiritual colleague objected.."Stop doing this spiritual shopping, our guru is the best; why don't you understand.." and blah blah..

In the beginning phase I tried to  convince them but later I thought, 'leave them, you can't change them' and they stopped sharing their arguments, views as well..
Cycle of change continues and everything keeps changing on its own. So some changes were happening with me too...I completed my academic qualification and like others I also started preaching...whenever I used to go to preach the 1st thing I used to tell them was about my academic qualification..people used to listen very attentively...But every time I used to think, why it is important to stress upon academic qualifications..but didn't find any answers.

I'm IITian..I'm  CEO..MD, journalist. Does these words have any connection with the present moment, acceptance..why I am giving importance to academic degree..Once I asked my spiritual colleague he told me that I did engineering but than I realized that that path was not for me I wanted something else so I came to this path..It was pretty clear that he did not want to be a person sitting next to  system for 9 hrs..struggling with his monster type boss..

Since I had left my job,there was nothing much to do. So I got ample time to spend with my spiritual seniors and juniors...oh pardon me, for using this junior and senior lingo. As in our ancient culture we didn't have these concepts because we didn't have any university degree for spirituality earlier...but in contemporary times in order to revive spirituality or can I say to bring spiritual renaissance in society it has happened so..Certain codes and batch no. were given to us..so I also got codes..some were senior to me some were junior...To some of them I became very close who were preaching for 4- 5 years  prior to me..within a span of time I learnt a lot from them..they taught me how to tackle our students..how to be a good performer..how to attract crowd. I was at my peak..during this period I felt two paradoxes, one  you cannot become ill and another you cannot express yourself...

When you are on spiritual path people will take you as a superman..next to God in some respects..for instance...Once an old friend called me up and asked how I was..I simply said 'yaar everything is fine, bit cough and cold'...his instant reaction was arey you are preaching others about yoga and meditation how can you have all these..
Why man!!! why I can't have these..if I am teaching yoga and meditation it doesn't mean I am against law of nature..its not a big deal..now if I have constipation u'll ask arey you are a teacher how do you have constipation..very ridiculous..
Another incident; once I got angry with my sister and had a big fight.I don't think there is any issue when we have  sibling fights..it was highlighted and my colleague teacher told to take care of these things...because its going to hamper our guru image...
Whats wrong with us, man!!! how can anyone even point against super spiritual power..if I am angry if I do not like something.if I like something why should I pretend not to.
Is our spirituality is a burden.?
Why should I fake what I am not..why I can't be natural.. Still I wonder why my seniors are pretending to be goody goody and happy..when they are not..normally they would mention humko to sabko dekhna hoga..why man!!! if someone is wrong why can't I point it out..doesn't matter whatever post he is holding in spirituality or materialist world. If I'll wear white clothes..a big tilak..with passing smile... with a thought fake it till you make it..will not help me in spiritual growth.its apart from white clothes and tika..it doesn't need public glare and showoff..if I am not honest and true with myself. How can I be spiritual..simply by standing in front of 10-20 people with a smart introduction doesn't mean spirituality...
As you can clearly make out my spiritual schooling hasn't evolved  me immensely in my spiritual growth, here I am again pondering...Wow Kabir, what you have shown to us still shines as beacon of light and this thought would help me more than years of education....Aha, kar ka manka daar de, man ka manka fer...  

Ethics ya Need

Mera ye blog khaaskar unlongo ke liye hai jinko mere blog ka besabri se intezar hota hai.Kai baar to mujhe mere dosto se ye jaan ke hairani huyi ki mera blog unhe mere theek-thaak hone ka suchnapatra sa lagta hai. Kuch doston ne to ye kaha ki tum jab lambe samay tak contact mein nahi rahti ho toh hum tumhare blog pe jaakar tumhare recent post ko dekhkkar ye samajh jaate hain ki tum theek ho. Ismein koi shak nahi ki mere blog padhne waalo ki tadaad bnahut kam hai.

Kuch doston ne to mujhse ye kaha ki bekaar hai, kyon likhti ho, koi padhta wadhata nahi.waise bhi tum kaun si badi writer ho. unki baato se sirf do cheejein mere jehan mein aayi.
log padhe aur comment kare ya phir mere readers ki sankhya bahut jyada ho,main isiliye nahi likhti.

Main isiliye likhti hoon kyonki mujhe shabdon se sukoon milta hai. jab meri soch aur bhavnaaye shabdon ka aakaar leti hai to muje utni hi khushi milti hai jitni ki ek shilpkaar ko ek tedhe medhe badsoorat bedhange pathar ko taraashne ke baad kisi khoobsoorat si devi ki pratima gadhne mein milti hai.jisko dekh kar us shilpkaar ko devatva ka bodh hota hai. aur writer bada hona koi badi baat nahi hai.wo toh log likhte likhte ho hi jaate hain. no doubt maine abhi shuruaat ki hai and 'miles to go' waali baat to kahin kahin na laagu hoti hi hai.
to main baat kar rahi thi apne un reader ke baare mein jo mere blog ko padh kar chota mota comment maar jaate hain. jaise achha hai, keep it up.good, nice, excellent, badhiya likhte ho. kuch to keval shabdo mein phans ke rah jaate hain,kahte hain achhe shabdo ka prayog.

to main aaj in sab reader se ek sawaal poochna chahti hoon.ethics aur need mein kisi ek ko chunna pare to lihaja aapka jawab hoga ethics, kyonki bina ethics ke insaan insaan nahi hota.
jaha ethics nahi hota hai wahaa corruption hota hai.

corruption se khayal aaya.ki aaj mein.paasport ke silsile se sarkari daftar gayi thi. office pahunchte hi maine waha ke head ko bataya ki mera paasport verification ke liye aaya hai, isi ke silsile mein
mujhe kuch baatcheet karni hai.waha baithe officer ne sabse pahla sawaal kiya "kya layi hain aap".
isse saaf jaahir ho gaya mujhe ki ye log paise ki baat kar rahe hain.jaha tak mujhe pataa tha ki ismein kuch lenden nahi hota. inki jimmeddari hai ki ye veify karein,par phir bhi maine socha ye to khayenge hi. thoda soch kar maine bola."kitna lijiyega,400-500". itna sunte hi officer ko aisa laga jaise maine uski ijjat utaar di ho. wo taav main aakar bola "chhar-paanch sau se aajkal kya hoga wo to S.P. saahab hi le lete hain, main 1500 se kam nahi loonga" 1500 sunne ke mujhe bahut atpata sa laga. kaha mein 4-5 sau soch rahi thi, aur ye 1500 ki demand kar raha hai. mujhe saaf samajh mein aa raha tha ki ye bandarbaat hoga. phir maine bola."nahi nahi.bahut jyada hai ye.nahi de sakti main.kyun du main,.ye to galat hai na." jaise hi maine ye shabd bola.saamne baithe officer ne saaf lafzon mein kaha.
"mera waqt barbaad mat karo.dopaahr ho gayi hai.mujhe bhookh lagi hai.khane ko jaana hai.paise dogi to kaam hoga warna jaao." maine usko bola ki aise kaise jaao.jab paper saamne hai to verify karo.
usne mujhse bare teekhe andaaz mein kaha ki."mera kya hai, main kah doonga, maine verify kiya, ye yahaan nahi rahti, main vaapas bhej doonga kaagaz".

mujhe ajeeb sa laga.aisa kaise.actually main shocked ho gayi thi.ye to galat hai na. bhrashtachar se pahli baar aamna saamna hua tha.mujhe aaj bhi yaad hai Delhi ke Ramleela ground mein hajaaron ki bheed mein Anna Hajare ka wo jordar pradarshan.Lokpal bill ke liye aamran bhookh-hartaal, jisko desh bhar ke longo ne support kiya tha. main bhi gayi thi.Anna ji ka utsaah badhane aur desh ko bhrasht hone se bachhane.

Aaj pahli baar corruption ko apne saamne seena taan ke akarte dekha. maine bas itna bola ki.aisa thode hota hai.aap aisa kaise kar sakte ho.its not good. aur wallet se 1500 nikaal ke de diye.aur bas apna kaam ho gaya. aur main sochi.chalo jaane do.kaam to nikla.Jab main ghar jaa rahi thi.to achanak se jehan mein ek naam aaya.wo wohi naam tha.jiske liye Raamleela ground mein aur longo ke saath maine naare lagaye the.mujhe lagne laga ki sab khokhla hai.

Achanak se guilt aaya.ki I shouldnt have given money.Why I gave. nahi karta to nahi karta.mujhe corruption ko badhana nahi chahiye. bheed mein to jaakar Anna ko support kar main bahut kush thi.par sab bekaar.jab akele ladne ki baari aayi, khud ko prove karne ka samay aaya to main haar gayi.I am a loser.I escaped from the situation. isi gusse mein phataak se maine apne bhai ko phone lagayi. aur chillate huye kaha "mujhe paise nahi dene chahiye the.kya faayda corruption ke baare mein discuss karne se. hum discuss hi kar sakte hain.kuch aur nahi kar sakte hain." bilkul gusse main aag-baboola.
to bhai ne bade pyar se sawaal poocha."tere paas aur koi option tha.tujhe agar nahi dena tha.to nahi deti,kyon di. courage aur patience hai to jaa chakkar kaat police station ka.har us office ka jaha tujhe kaam hai. kya hoga.wo log waapas bhejenge.thoda waqt jaayega.par 6-7 mahine mein kaam to ho hi jaayega."

5 min ka kaam aur itna waqt barbbad. isse better hai ki paise de do. bhai ka kahna galat nahi tha.mere us krantikaari bahgat singh ke vichhar se kahin behtar bhai ki soch lagi. ab aap batao. ethics ya phir need.aap meri jagah hote to kya karte.

Delhi aur Main...

Delhi... bolte hi jaise sab kuch jaldi jaldi bhagta bhagta sa najar aata ha......I luv this place, jaise koi ajib  sa rishta ho.. pichle janam ka to pata ni but is janam ka to mujhe yakin ha.... mata-pita dost bhai bahan ye sab to hume bahut si siksha dete  hi ha.... kvi-kvi jagah v humein bahut kuch sikha deti ha.. bus yahi rishta ha mera aur Dilli ka.. hummm Delhi..
yaha mujhe aajadi mili... independent woman banne ka sapna pura hua.. mallls, brands wo sab dekha jo bachpan mein TV ya magazine mein dekha karti thi..auto me baithe-baithe main apne aur Delhi ke rishton ke bare me soch rahi thi.. har us kadi ko jodne ki koshish kar rahi thi jis se Delhi aur mera rishta aur majboot ho jaye.. raat ke lagbagh 11 baj rahe the.. ab aap ko lag raha ho ga ki raat ke 11 baje main auto me kya kar rahi thi... kaha se lauti.. Delhi to safe ni ha... akeli ladki... sach kaho to mujhe dar ni lagta , kai bar logo ne poochha kyo ni dar lagta.. ye batao kya darna jaruri ha... ni na.. mera sapna tha apni jindgi khul kar jine ka.. delhi aana khuli hawa me saans lena aur jab sab mil raha ha to main bhaag ni sakti.. mujhe ye sab mil raha ha I shud feel happy..
tabhi achanak auto wale ne break lagai.. dhar se me lohe ki rod se takrai.. aur bedharak "te"ri..."..
ha main ne gali di ye v mujhe delhi se hi mila ha...
auto wala jor se chilllaya 'Are marna ha kya dikhta ni'.. main v khud ko samhalte huey...dekha uski taraf , chehare par hairani aur larkharate shabd nikle.. 'are dekho wo theek to ha'
jhat se bahar aa gai aur usko uthate huey puchha 'r u ok..' usne haami bhari ..par mujhe lag gaya ki wo theek ni ha dard to bahut ho raha tha par uske paas shabd ni the..
mein ne sthiti ko bhanpte huey usko bola ki chalo mein tumko chhor deti hu..
uske haath se botle aur ciggrate li aur usko auto mein bitha li..puchhi kaha jana ha usne university ka address dia jo mere ghar ke pass hi tha.
thori der tak auto me shanti rahi phir usne kud hi bola my name is riya.. u?
ruchi.. apna naam batate huey dhara dhar kai sawal kar diey .. mujhe isi mauke ka talash tha.. shikari ki tarah jhapata mari aur bus use katghare me khara kar dia..
samne aati gaari ki roshani me uska chehra dikh raha tha..  meri hi umar ki ho gi..
usne meri taraf dekha aur bola 'tum kya karogi jaan kar ghar chhorne ka aishan kar ri ho ye mat socho paise me de doongi..'
ajib ladki ha mein ne aisa kab kaha.. mein ne mann me socha.. tabhi us ne pucha  tum kaha  se aa ri ho.. mein ne jhat se bola 'movie dekhne gai ti' kaisi lagi movie riya ne pucha...
mein ne anmane dhang se jawab dia 'achi thi luv story'
luv story sunte hi us ne apni ciggrate mangi..dhuna hawa mein chorte huye usne bola mera break-up 2 month pahle ho gaya...
mujhe andar se hasi aai ki.. 2 month pahle and aaj haath mein daaru ... par chehre pe oh wahi expression di aur boli 'm sorry'
us ne gusse me kaha no m sorry jo mein ne aisa kia.. me shocked thi.. par uski baaton me dard jyada tha.. mujhe laga chup-chaap sunne mein hi achha ha isi bahane uska dard thora kam ho jayega..
uski taraf dekhi aur  boli'kya  hua' us ne phir ciggrate pite huey apni luv stry batana shuru kia..
hum ek workshop me mile the.. mujhe dekhte hi usse pyar ho gaya tha. but attraction infatuation jaise word ki wajah se mein ne kabhi use ni bola.. but itna tagra attraction  God knows 4 saal tak waisa hi bana raha.. ek din achanak wo mujhe mil gaya.. aur hum relation mein aa gaye.. happy couple..
mujhe uski kahani me interest aa raha tha.. wo bolti gai... par pata ni chijein kaha ulti pulti ho gai..me ne kitni kosish ki koi phayda ni hua .. ladai to har riste ka part hota ha par aisa kya chidh.. usne mujh se kaha ki wo to relation me tha hi ni.. bus mein hi ti..
kitne ajib baat ha na jiske saath mein ne aise pal bitaey jiski nisani aaj v mujh me ha ..us bande ne sab ko jhuthla diya ... wo emotions wo baatein sab khokhle ho gaye..
mature to hum dono hi the.. tabhi to usne mujhe jaate-jaate ye siksha di ki 'be flexible'.. kya samjhu uski in baaton se be flexible matlab kisi aur ke saath.. phir mujh me aur ek prostitute me kya phark rah jaye ga..
tabhi auto wale ne bola 'university aa gaya.'
mein ne us se puchha 'room tak chhor du'..
us ne bola ni 'thanx... but m nt bad y he leave me'..
 uski bato se saaf tha ki us ne jyada nasha ni kia tha.. hosh baki thi..bus dard nikaalne ke liye thoda behosh hona uske liye jaruri tha
wo chali gai par uski ek baat ne mujhe andar se jak jhor dia ki flexible ho jaun but mujhmein aur prostitute me kya phark rah jaye ga..
she was right .... mein uske pyar ya uske boyfrnd ko blame ni karna chahti ...na hi janti hu ki actually kya hua...
par thori se feeling to hoti uske boyfrnd ko kam se kam ladki ha wo ye to soch leta..
inhi sab me mera v ghar a gaya.... bed par jaate-jaate Delhi ki jindgi ko thanx bola us ne mujhe ek aur lesson jo aaj dia tha..

13th Floor...

building ki 13th floor... agar koi aap se ye kahe ki bina lift ke chadhna ha to what will b  ur reaction,13 sunne mein hi thora horror lagta ha.. ,hmm u guys can now imagine ki meri condition kya hogi.. jyada ni do char galiyan nikali phir socha chalo yahi destiny ha
maine aksar logo se suna ha ki situation se bhagana ni chahiye.but agar aap capable ni ho to ?
suppose agar mujhe annemia hota and phir mujhe chadhna hota...
khair ye sab mann ki bandish ha..uska hi game ha...waise bahaduri kis mein ha.. waqt se samjhauta karne mein,ye soch lene mein ki chalo jo ha yahi ha accept kar lo.. agar layman ki bhasha mein kaha jaye to iska arth hoga hathiyar daal dena..
ye phir kisi yauddha ki bhanti hunkaar bhar kar usko paraast karne mein jut jane mein..
ye sab soch ke beech ek name aayaa Abhimanyu, kya veer tha.. kya khub chakra bhedi neeti janta tha.. par use pata tha ki aakhari chakra ni tod payega phir v wo gaya.. ab uske saahas ko kai logon ne dussahas ka naam diya..bechara bemaut mara gaya...
Par us se mujhe kya mujhe to seedhi chadhni thi.. so chadh rahi thi..kisi tarah i reachd.. tavi meri nigah gai chothe chothe buildings and car par.. 13th floor se shayad kuch jyada hi chothe najar aa rahe the.. me ni niche stairs ko dekha nd proudly socha ki kar dia..
par tavi ye v laga ki ye pride stairs chadhne ki wajah se ni aayi ha ye to buliding ke chothe dikhne nd chiti ki tarah bhaghti car ko dekh kar ha.. kya sach mein mera astitva itna bara ha...
astitva hota kya ha.. main hu ya main ye hun.. iska feel hona hi astitva ha kya.. agar feeling pe concentrate kare to its very obvious ki wo change hoti rahti ha.. aaj building ka chotha hona mere astitva ko pura kar raha ha kal apno ka chota hona.. apno ko jhukana..
ye astitva ha kya?..
ya phir hum ne ise galat tarike se paribhashit kar dia ha... ye kisi ke chotha ye bara hone se ni banta ha ye to bus ego jaisa hi ho jaye ga na.. wo chota main bara ye mera astitva... bachhon ki tarah khud hi lag raha tha.. par chalo sukun ha to khush ho rahi thi..ye satya to tha par kya keval yahi satya ha... momentary identity me hi kyon khush hona and agar momentary identity itni sukun  de rahi ha to jab vastavikta ka samna hoga to kitna maja aye ga..
hum bachpan se dusaro ki pahchan par jite ha like.. mein uski beti hun  mein uska beta hu... uski patni uska pati.. bus yahi hota ha kuch log to ismein hi pura jeevan jee lete hain.. aur jab puchho to unke tark v tagre hote ha ki mainne apne astitva ko us mein mila dia ... apna tyag kia.. this is luv..
hold on hold on.. agar aap v aise hi soch rakhne wale ha to thora bura to lage ga  kyon ki jab aapki koi pahchan hi ni ban pai to aap ho na ho kya pharak parta ha.... coffee bana ne ke liye sugar milk me puri tarah se mil jata ha..and uske baad v wo apni mithash se apni pahchan coffee me barkarar rakhta ha.. agar sugar keval ice cube ki tarah hota to kya us se coffee me phark aata.. ni,sugar meethi ha ye uski pahchan ha.. jab us ne aapna astitva khoya to coffeee meethi ho gayi.. so mujhe to ye lagta ha ki kisi me apna astitvya milane ke liye apna astitva banane ki jarurat hoti ha.. kavi aapka balidan and so calld sacrifice ki koi kimat ho paye gi..

When I'm...

When I'm weak just hold my hands
And walk with me...
When I don't make any sense
Make out some senses in me...
When I speak too much
Understand silence in me...

यादोँ का inbox .. 1

आज अचानक ख़याल आया जरा वक्त रुक कर देखने का। कम से कम १० साल पीछे क्या कुछ छोड़ आया , क्या पाया।अपना बचपन अपना आँगन।छोटी सी गलियाँ जहाँ cricket खेला करते थे। पड़ोसी की कच्ची खपरैल पर जाती ball और फिर चिल्लाती एक आवाज किसने मारी गेंद।
       माँ के डर से छुपना और फिर शाम के होते ही घर जाकर चुप-चाप किताब खोल पढने बैठ जाना।डर से चेहरे पे हवाईयाँ उड़ी रहती थी।वो लालटेन की रोशनी में झाँकना, हर बात पर चौकना … कहीं कोई शिकायत करने तो नहीं आया। लेकिन आज इन सब बातोँ को सोच कर चेहरे पर हलकी सी मुस्कान फैल जाती है।कैसा था अपना बचपन पर कहाँ गया।
      cigarette पीते पकड़े जाने पर पड़ी माँ की थप्पड़ जिसने पूरी ज़िन्दगी मुझे उससे दूर रखा। पापा के हाथ को थाम कर चलता वो बचपन जिसने मुझे साड़ी बुराईयोँ से बचा कर रखा।  
       आज हमारा गाँव काफ़ी बदल चुका है … खपरैल की जगह पक्के।गलियाँ कहाँ मिलती हैं, लालच लोगोँ में इतना बढ़ गया है कि चलने की जमीन में भी अपना आधिपत्य जमाते हैं। cricket अब गलियो में नहीं बस TV screen पर ही देखते हैं।बेफिकर चिलचिलाती धूप में वो नंगे पाँव दौड़ता बचपन कहीं गुम हो चुका है। नशे में धुत्त बच्चे, चौक चौराहे पर अपनी ज़िन्दगी बेकार करते नजर आते हैं।
        ये सारी बातें सोच ही रही थी कि तभी train की सीटी बजी और announcement हुआ उस train के पहुँचने का  जिसका मुझे बरसो से इन्तज़ार था … मेरी माँ उसी train से आ रही थी, हमेशा के लिए मेरे पास। train रूकते ही मैं झट से डिब्बे में चढ़ गई। मेरी माँ जो पहली बार अकेले सफ़र कर रही थी उसके चेहरे पर थोड़ी परेशानी, हड़बड़ाहट, डर; अनजान शहर और अजनबी लोगोँ से साफ़ दिख रहा था।
       मुझे देखते ही उसके चेहरे पर एक अजीब सा सुकून आ गया पर उसकी बोझिल निगाहें कई सारे प्रश्न छोड़ गई। क्योँ नहीं आई तू लेने, मुझे अकेले क्योँ आना पड़ा। तुम इतनी व्यस्त हो गयी कि अपनी माँ के लिए समय नहीं निकाल सकी। 
       बस उसके इन सब प्रश्नो का ज़बाब ढूँढ ही रही थी कि मेरी निगाह उसके बक्से पर पड़ी। वही पुराना बक्सा बचपन से जब भी मैंने उसको देखा वो उसी में अपना सामान ले कर कहीं जाया करती थी। कभी कभी मुझे चिढ़ होती थी उसके बक्से से। मैं झल्ला जाती थी। कई बार बोली भी की नई bag ले ले पर वो हमेशा बोलती थी कि जब तू नौकरी करेगी ना तब भी मैं तेरे पास यही बक्सा ले कर आऊँगी।उसका बक्सा देखते ही मैं मन ही मन हँस पड़ी। नहीं बदली मेरी माँ, बदलती भी कैसे उसने उस बक्से में सारी यादोँ को कैद जो कर रखा था।